It really bothers me being around people who are primarily negative. I went through a long period in my life when I was younger being very negative thinking I was realistic. I look back now and realize it was negativity. I wonder how people could have wanted to spend time with me.
You see, when I was about Ladybug's age (12) and a tad older I lived at home with both my parents and my older brother (by two years). Mom and Dad both worked full time outside the house my entire life. They both were very hard workers who rarely took time off without a darn good reason. My Dad has always suffered depression and is bipolar. It was.... interesting growing up with him. Not bad necessarily but interesting. I think most people could say that as no two people are alike. Anyway Dad had his issues and dealt with that by working, a lot, and working overtime, a lot. So he was a workaholic. Mom worked standard hours and we saw her MUCH more. When I became the negative age I felt unwanted. Looking back now I see that my Dad was struggling with his own issues. He didn't hate me or want to get rid of me, he was just struggling. My Mom who often took on the issues of the household solely onto her shoulders was tired and wanted downtime at the end of the day (after making us dinner) and the weekends. We didn't go out and do things together. I remember asking just to go to the park for a picnic and we never did (as I was a teenager at the time). It really disappointed me.
I spent a LOT of time with my paternal grandmother when I was a teen. We ended up being VERY close. It's her and her want and need to spend time with me that surprises me. Why would she WANT to spend time with me, being as negative as I was?? I can handle some from Ladybug but sometimes it gets overwhelming. I struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, major sleep issues and some depression at this time as well. There are some days that I get overwhelmed but I still have to push to do things that I would prefer NOT to do.
Yesterday Hubby and I went on a couple of jobs about 90 minutes away and close to where his Mother, Sister and Aunt live. So after job #1 didn't go and job #2 was pretty quick we went over there for pizza, cake and company. While there we requested job #3 which was on the way home. OMG job #3 took FOREVER. I put swapped the new switch with an old switch that ended up being the WRONG switch and had to install the old switch again then had to install the new switch where it was supposed to go and this all took place inside of a McDonald's that was inside of a Walmart. I've been doing Hubby's work for sometime now (since he can't do it physically anymore) and there are some majorly dirty messy jobs. I'm getting used to the ceiling in my hair and dirt and dust and who knows what else but THIS?!?!?! This was greasy dirt that was not easily removed. Finally after 3 hours we were done and on the way home.
Ladybug who had been home this whole time (12 hours on her own) was anxious and wanted to go out etc. She stayed home because the other day one of the Chinchilla's had babies and she needed to keep an eye on them. Anyway, I get home, covered in greasy dirt, get Hubby his sandwich from earlier get him set up in the livingroom and then leave again w/ Ladybug to go BACK to Walmart to pick up some stuff. I think we got home an hour later. SO tired. So got Hubby his meds and we took a shower and went to bed around midnight. Unfortunately for me I ran out of the medication that helps me not have horrible nightmares. So I did not sleep well at all and was so tired this morning.
Today I was able to take a 3 hour nap though on the couch and then had to take another trip to run errands and I am hoping that tomorrow I can just veg all day. I'm about to go make Hubby some spaghetti and call it a day. Game of Thrones is on tonight and he likes that show. Hopefully I will be able to get more sleep.
I guess this Blog post is mostly about that not everyday is horrible like I may make it seem like in previous posts. Things do go well. Some days I am very happy and others I get very overwhelmed. And that's ok either way. I'm hoping I'm able to take a little time off this week to get things in order before insurance runs out.
So all in all today, was a good day. I wasn't pressured to go out and do things I didn't want to do. I seriously love Hubby and Ladybug. I'm super happy with my kitties, especially Pumperdoodle (real name) because he loves me a lot. Just today he jumped up into my arms while I was standing, from the floor. It shocked me. But will he come to me while I'm sitting on the couch to let me pet him... no. The baby chinchilla kits are doing well. Mama is too. So far everything seems to be going really well.
There are some good days... and today was one of them.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
Friday, April 12, 2019
And so... It continues
Hubby is still on the rampage for wanting to do all these jobs to earn money. I get it, we need money. I seriously do. However, now I don't have any time to do other things that I NEED to do. I'm so exhausted from doing everything that he wants me to do work wise that I have little time to check up on the info I need for his disability, to make and keep doctor appointments for Hubby and Ladybug. I just can't even process all that I need to do and the time I need on the computer to do it.
SO, yesterday one of our new Chinchilla's gave birth to two new baby Chinchilla's, a boy and a girl. I asked him to PLEASE have no work yesterday OR today. I wanted to be around for a while to make sure the babies would be ok. He kept asking all day long for jobs here and there and everywhere. I'm like NO, if we have to do work soon it has to be LOCAL. I asked him several times for nothing for today. Anyway, I didn't sleep well at all last night so I had to go back to bed this morning after he got up. So I'm napping or whatever and he comes in and wakes me up because he accepted a job today today in Sacramento. I had a video conference for Ladybug's homeschool today at 2:30 pm and I reminded him of that and he's like "It's easy work and it's local, the window is from now until 4pm." I feel like I'm never heard.
So I wake up Ladybug and get her to do some school work. THEN we have the conference call. THEN I'm trying to haul butt to the job in downtown Sac, on a Friday. We get there and things go well, we get stuck in traffic on the way home. He's asking me how he will be able to walk better (we haven't been walking like we used to), I told him that he's been practicing all over the house lately and he needs to see the progress he has made not just with walking but bending down etc. So then he asks about riding a bike. OMG. So I told him it's hard for him to be able to do that because I'm trying to balance him and run along side of him. So I mentioned training wheels. I was surprised that he's open to that idea. However, he never gives me time to research this stuff either.
I keep feeling pulled. It doesn't matter how many times I say NO, No more work, he applies for it and it's like I have no choice. I don't want to work every single day when I'm getting paid right now through my old job AND I'm going to finish applying for Unemployment once I get all that info from my job. I'm doing the BEST I can and it never feels good enough. Not by him who is always pushing me and not by Ladybug who is constantly pushing me from her end too. Add in all the other things that I need to do and I'm wanting to scream right now. No one cares though. No one realizes that I need a break too. That I need to relax and I need to veg and I need to enjoy life sometimes.
SO, yesterday one of our new Chinchilla's gave birth to two new baby Chinchilla's, a boy and a girl. I asked him to PLEASE have no work yesterday OR today. I wanted to be around for a while to make sure the babies would be ok. He kept asking all day long for jobs here and there and everywhere. I'm like NO, if we have to do work soon it has to be LOCAL. I asked him several times for nothing for today. Anyway, I didn't sleep well at all last night so I had to go back to bed this morning after he got up. So I'm napping or whatever and he comes in and wakes me up because he accepted a job today today in Sacramento. I had a video conference for Ladybug's homeschool today at 2:30 pm and I reminded him of that and he's like "It's easy work and it's local, the window is from now until 4pm." I feel like I'm never heard.
So I wake up Ladybug and get her to do some school work. THEN we have the conference call. THEN I'm trying to haul butt to the job in downtown Sac, on a Friday. We get there and things go well, we get stuck in traffic on the way home. He's asking me how he will be able to walk better (we haven't been walking like we used to), I told him that he's been practicing all over the house lately and he needs to see the progress he has made not just with walking but bending down etc. So then he asks about riding a bike. OMG. So I told him it's hard for him to be able to do that because I'm trying to balance him and run along side of him. So I mentioned training wheels. I was surprised that he's open to that idea. However, he never gives me time to research this stuff either.
I keep feeling pulled. It doesn't matter how many times I say NO, No more work, he applies for it and it's like I have no choice. I don't want to work every single day when I'm getting paid right now through my old job AND I'm going to finish applying for Unemployment once I get all that info from my job. I'm doing the BEST I can and it never feels good enough. Not by him who is always pushing me and not by Ladybug who is constantly pushing me from her end too. Add in all the other things that I need to do and I'm wanting to scream right now. No one cares though. No one realizes that I need a break too. That I need to relax and I need to veg and I need to enjoy life sometimes.
Friday, April 5, 2019
Just Tired
I'm honestly, just tired of everything. I'm tired of life right now. I keep trying to see the positive and then I get knocked down repeatedly. We all do. We are all three is this situation that no one would want to be in. YES I know it could be worse. People DO have it worse than we do I know this. But enough is enough.
I have been on disability for stress and anxiety since September of last year. Hubby came home around the same time. We got into a routine of PT, OT, and Speech Therapies. Ladybug going to school etc. You would think the worst was over but things just keep happening. We all went into a depression and Ladybug and myself had MAJOR PTSD and Anxiety. It was hard to stay motivated. Christmas was HARD. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to give Ladybug a good Christmas. It went ok though. Then the new year came, all our savings ... gone. We have a roommate and her daughter living with us now and it's not completely bad but not always good. Also at the new year our insurance started over (deductibles back to 0) and we would have had to pay $450 out of pocket for continued therapy. We can't afford that. But since we had been doing this for so long we knew enough to continue on our own.
Anyway over time his walking improved quite a bit. He's walking mostly with his walker and we will move up to walking by himself once I think he's ready AND the weather gets nice. However, he won't practice talking and has even started speaking less to me and Ladybug. He chats with people online (women mostly) but he won't talk to us. It's getting worse and then he says he CAN'T talk and I'm like you don't even try, you need to practice (but don't say that to him directly). I really try to be patient with him even though I feel like he's pulling away, that we are pulling away. It's hard to feel connected when you never speak to one another.
Then we keep trying to qualify him for disability. He didn't qualify before because A. He was self employed and B. I made too much on disability. It's insane... So we went back today to try to apply again. The wait was going to be 2 hours so we made a phone interview for later this month. That pissed Hubby off and he walked off outside.
I know I'm all over the place... but last Monday was my first (reluctant) day back to work in 7 months. I was very nervous but ultimately I made it and both Hubby and Ladybug also made it. I think it was good for all of us for me to be out of the house for a while. So I went back Tuesday. I struggled with a migraine and nausea that whole day. The lights WAY too bright. Wednesday I called in sick with that migraine. When I returned on Thursday... well I was called into the bosses office with the District Manager as well and was laid off. At first I was elated. I didn't want to go back to work, really. Here I am two days later and I'm not sure. Hubby is worried about money (all the time). I paid the bills and feel like we are struggling again with money. ARGH!!!!!!
The Attorney we are trying to hire for his medical malpractice case seems to be taking forever to make a decision. They just NOW got the doctors telephonic notes for him and their expert is on vacation until next week. Hopefully we will get good news. I know it will take time for any money to come of that but still, forward movement will be better than nothing. Hubby is having real anxiety over this. He's so mad at the doctor that he only thinks of that all day long.
Today Hubby decided he wanted to go to the movies by himself. SO, I bought him a ticket, bought him popcorn and a drink, took him inside the theater to his seat then had to go. I had a phone interview minutes after I had him settled. I had another appointment when that movie would have been out so he saw two movies. At 5pm he messaged me that he needed to be picked up. When I got there I sent Ladybug in to get him. She came running out saying he was shaking. I went in to him and he was crying. I guess he had fallen down. Someone helped him up. But to have this happen when less than a year ago he was walking and able to do all sorts of things by himself. Now he can hardly even go to the movies by himself. I put him to bed when we got home because he was shaking pretty badly. I hope tomorrow he will feel (emotionally) better. Physically he said he was fine. I just want him to catch a big break.
So honestly, yes I am just tired of all this stuff happening. I'm tired of depression and anxiety. I'm tired of not sleeping well. I'm tired of not being able to do the things we used to be able to do. I just feel that we all could use a break. Lord, I pray that you will see fit to help us soon, to do something miraculous so that we can continue moving forward and recovering from the trauma from last Summer. None of us will every be the same but I want us all to come out the other side better people than we were before.
I have been on disability for stress and anxiety since September of last year. Hubby came home around the same time. We got into a routine of PT, OT, and Speech Therapies. Ladybug going to school etc. You would think the worst was over but things just keep happening. We all went into a depression and Ladybug and myself had MAJOR PTSD and Anxiety. It was hard to stay motivated. Christmas was HARD. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to give Ladybug a good Christmas. It went ok though. Then the new year came, all our savings ... gone. We have a roommate and her daughter living with us now and it's not completely bad but not always good. Also at the new year our insurance started over (deductibles back to 0) and we would have had to pay $450 out of pocket for continued therapy. We can't afford that. But since we had been doing this for so long we knew enough to continue on our own.
Anyway over time his walking improved quite a bit. He's walking mostly with his walker and we will move up to walking by himself once I think he's ready AND the weather gets nice. However, he won't practice talking and has even started speaking less to me and Ladybug. He chats with people online (women mostly) but he won't talk to us. It's getting worse and then he says he CAN'T talk and I'm like you don't even try, you need to practice (but don't say that to him directly). I really try to be patient with him even though I feel like he's pulling away, that we are pulling away. It's hard to feel connected when you never speak to one another.
Then we keep trying to qualify him for disability. He didn't qualify before because A. He was self employed and B. I made too much on disability. It's insane... So we went back today to try to apply again. The wait was going to be 2 hours so we made a phone interview for later this month. That pissed Hubby off and he walked off outside.
I know I'm all over the place... but last Monday was my first (reluctant) day back to work in 7 months. I was very nervous but ultimately I made it and both Hubby and Ladybug also made it. I think it was good for all of us for me to be out of the house for a while. So I went back Tuesday. I struggled with a migraine and nausea that whole day. The lights WAY too bright. Wednesday I called in sick with that migraine. When I returned on Thursday... well I was called into the bosses office with the District Manager as well and was laid off. At first I was elated. I didn't want to go back to work, really. Here I am two days later and I'm not sure. Hubby is worried about money (all the time). I paid the bills and feel like we are struggling again with money. ARGH!!!!!!
The Attorney we are trying to hire for his medical malpractice case seems to be taking forever to make a decision. They just NOW got the doctors telephonic notes for him and their expert is on vacation until next week. Hopefully we will get good news. I know it will take time for any money to come of that but still, forward movement will be better than nothing. Hubby is having real anxiety over this. He's so mad at the doctor that he only thinks of that all day long.
Today Hubby decided he wanted to go to the movies by himself. SO, I bought him a ticket, bought him popcorn and a drink, took him inside the theater to his seat then had to go. I had a phone interview minutes after I had him settled. I had another appointment when that movie would have been out so he saw two movies. At 5pm he messaged me that he needed to be picked up. When I got there I sent Ladybug in to get him. She came running out saying he was shaking. I went in to him and he was crying. I guess he had fallen down. Someone helped him up. But to have this happen when less than a year ago he was walking and able to do all sorts of things by himself. Now he can hardly even go to the movies by himself. I put him to bed when we got home because he was shaking pretty badly. I hope tomorrow he will feel (emotionally) better. Physically he said he was fine. I just want him to catch a big break.
So honestly, yes I am just tired of all this stuff happening. I'm tired of depression and anxiety. I'm tired of not sleeping well. I'm tired of not being able to do the things we used to be able to do. I just feel that we all could use a break. Lord, I pray that you will see fit to help us soon, to do something miraculous so that we can continue moving forward and recovering from the trauma from last Summer. None of us will every be the same but I want us all to come out the other side better people than we were before.
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