I'm done. I'm done with so many things right now. I haven't slept well in weeks. Getting up super early, waking all night. Let me back track to a few weeks ago.....
We were awarded a bunch of work for Subway installing pin pads into various locations. I saw that they have Santa Cruz and thought it would be a great time to mix that in with a little vacation. I asked Hubby if he wanted to go and he said no but told me I should take Ladybug and go without him. I was nervous as we haven't left him alone by himself overnight. We have a roommate but still. Ultimately I decided to take the chance. It was the last week of summer vacation so I booked a hotel for Saturday through Wednesday. Then also decided that we should do San Jose Thursday and Friday.
Around the same time I was booking our hotels Hubby says that an ex girlfriend invited HIM to go visit her and her husband who also has a Traumatic Brain Injury for a while. She lives in Iowa. I asked if I was invited and he said "Don't you have work?" Well, ok then. So I booked him a flight out to go see her.
It just didn't feel right, if you know what I mean. This man has been running away from me and the kids for YEARS. Before the accident he ran away to work. Recently I found out that he also ran away to other women. Now he has been trying to run away to various places since he came home. He's intolerant of Ladybug and her personality and can be abrupt and rude to me as well. Here he was running away from us AGAIN. I was done fighting for him. So I booked the flight.
We left for Santa Cruz, I was nervous but excited. The Ocean is my safe place. It calms me down so very much. I started to think about how many times I've been to the Ocean over the years, these last 23 years. I rarely went even though it's not that far away. My husband never took me or even asked me if I wanted to go. Although we went plenty of places he liked and I didn't care for. We did plenty of things he liked that I didn't care for. I realized on that trip that I am DONE.
I think it was the second night of our trip. I had connected with an old friend that knew me from High School. This person was telling me how much they remembered me, more than I remembered at the time. Details that seem just amazing 24 years later. Ladybug knew I had connected with an old friend and told me she could tell when they messaged me. I asked her how. She said "Because when they message you, you get this smile on your face and it's actually happy."
She went on to discuss that she wasn't happy at home with her Dad and how he treated me and her (me first). She didn't understand why I didn't stand up for myself. The reason is both complicated and simple. I really don't like confrontation, I hate arguing. It was easier to just let things go and move on. But at what cost? What was I teaching her? That it was ok to be treated poorly and do nothing?? That's not how I raised her.
We talked a lot during that vacation/work week. I told her I really needed to think on whether staying was good for us or if I would choose to leave for both our sake. We spoke of why I stayed all these years (the other children at first then just the comfort of knowing we had enough money to survive and thrive). I realized that it wasn't right and wasn't fair to either of us. It wasn't a good environment at all. It was toxic. I made the decision by the third day that I needed to leave him.
We returned home briefly on Wednesday, mostly to pick up his meds and prepare the rest of the days that I would be gone. I found out that I had a job an hour and a half away and chose to sleep at my parents house knowing it was MUCH closer to the morning job we had. He didn't even really look up and talk to either of us. We happily left after I had a little nap.
San Jose was much the same, talking things through. What we wanted, how would he survive, who would take care of him? I decided that once he returned from Iowa I would tell him. We went back home on Saturday and I prepared his meds, unpacked myself, repacked for him. I had had little to no sleep while I had been gone and was so exhausted. I carpet cleaned the carpets etc and fell asleep on the bed. He got made because I "promised" that we would be intimate that night. He knew something was going on but I wouldn't tell him yet. It wasn't the right time.
The next morning I saw him to the airport, I was even given a gate pass to escort him to the gate. When it was time for him to leave I didn't give him a kiss. He made it to Iowa and I was relieved for him to be gone for a while. He messaged a lot that week. Asking what was wrong etc. but I didn't want to tell him over messages or phone. I had booked an appointment with my counselor for the Saturday before his return. He was aware of the appointment. After the appointment was over he called and texted me repeatedly. I was on my way to a job so I finally picked up the phone. I tried to put him off until the next day when he returned in person but he pushed me too far and I told him over the phone, then went into my job.
He was shocked even though he was expecting it. He didn't realize how bad things were, although I tried to tell him. I spent 23 years putting him before me and I was DONE. It was time to put myself first. The older kids have all moved out and have established life on their own. Ladybug was supportive of my decision even though she's worried about what will happen to him.
It's been a little more than a week since I told him and things have NOT been easy. He has tried very hard to get me to go to marriage counseling (again), to give him another chance. I've told him to put all that effort he's willing to put into our marriage into his kids and finally become a father, the one they deserve. My (his) son has offered to have him move to Texas so he can care for him. I think that's the best thing for him. He refuses to leave the house though for an overnight anywhere. He keeps trying to make me feel guilty and make me feel like I don't deserve anything from this marriage. I'm so desperate to get out of here that I don't want anything. I really just want to be left alone.
I assume this will be a hard divorce, instead of one where we can try to agree on terms and move on. I assume I will have to go to court for the custody of MY daughter, the one he's ignored for years but suddenly seems to want to be part of her life now. He wants the car (the only one I have). He wants the bed (although he sleeps on the couch). He's being selfish still, always maybe. He keeps circling this back to how it impacts him, instead of how staying impacts Ladybug and myself.
I'm done, done with his crap, done with the depression, done with the guilt and the sadness. It's scary to me to start over, by myself with little to nothing but so very much worth it. I have to make some decisions now on where we will live and how we will survive. But I'm done putting him before me and I'm both done and starting all over. A new beginning is just what I need. I'm ready.
