I'm honestly, just tired of everything. I'm tired of life right now. I keep trying to see the positive and then I get knocked down repeatedly. We all do. We are all three is this situation that no one would want to be in. YES I know it could be worse. People DO have it worse than we do I know this. But enough is enough.
I have been on disability for stress and anxiety since September of last year. Hubby came home around the same time. We got into a routine of PT, OT, and Speech Therapies. Ladybug going to school etc. You would think the worst was over but things just keep happening. We all went into a depression and Ladybug and myself had MAJOR PTSD and Anxiety. It was hard to stay motivated. Christmas was HARD. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to give Ladybug a good Christmas. It went ok though. Then the new year came, all our savings ... gone. We have a roommate and her daughter living with us now and it's not completely bad but not always good. Also at the new year our insurance started over (deductibles back to 0) and we would have had to pay $450 out of pocket for continued therapy. We can't afford that. But since we had been doing this for so long we knew enough to continue on our own.
Anyway over time his walking improved quite a bit. He's walking mostly with his walker and we will move up to walking by himself once I think he's ready AND the weather gets nice. However, he won't practice talking and has even started speaking less to me and Ladybug. He chats with people online (women mostly) but he won't talk to us. It's getting worse and then he says he CAN'T talk and I'm like you don't even try, you need to practice (but don't say that to him directly). I really try to be patient with him even though I feel like he's pulling away, that we are pulling away. It's hard to feel connected when you never speak to one another.
Then we keep trying to qualify him for disability. He didn't qualify before because A. He was self employed and B. I made too much on disability. It's insane... So we went back today to try to apply again. The wait was going to be 2 hours so we made a phone interview for later this month. That pissed Hubby off and he walked off outside.
I know I'm all over the place... but last Monday was my first (reluctant) day back to work in 7 months. I was very nervous but ultimately I made it and both Hubby and Ladybug also made it. I think it was good for all of us for me to be out of the house for a while. So I went back Tuesday. I struggled with a migraine and nausea that whole day. The lights WAY too bright. Wednesday I called in sick with that migraine. When I returned on Thursday... well I was called into the bosses office with the District Manager as well and was laid off. At first I was elated. I didn't want to go back to work, really. Here I am two days later and I'm not sure. Hubby is worried about money (all the time). I paid the bills and feel like we are struggling again with money. ARGH!!!!!!
The Attorney we are trying to hire for his medical malpractice case seems to be taking forever to make a decision. They just NOW got the doctors telephonic notes for him and their expert is on vacation until next week. Hopefully we will get good news. I know it will take time for any money to come of that but still, forward movement will be better than nothing. Hubby is having real anxiety over this. He's so mad at the doctor that he only thinks of that all day long.
Today Hubby decided he wanted to go to the movies by himself. SO, I bought him a ticket, bought him popcorn and a drink, took him inside the theater to his seat then had to go. I had a phone interview minutes after I had him settled. I had another appointment when that movie would have been out so he saw two movies. At 5pm he messaged me that he needed to be picked up. When I got there I sent Ladybug in to get him. She came running out saying he was shaking. I went in to him and he was crying. I guess he had fallen down. Someone helped him up. But to have this happen when less than a year ago he was walking and able to do all sorts of things by himself. Now he can hardly even go to the movies by himself. I put him to bed when we got home because he was shaking pretty badly. I hope tomorrow he will feel (emotionally) better. Physically he said he was fine. I just want him to catch a big break.
So honestly, yes I am just tired of all this stuff happening. I'm tired of depression and anxiety. I'm tired of not sleeping well. I'm tired of not being able to do the things we used to be able to do. I just feel that we all could use a break. Lord, I pray that you will see fit to help us soon, to do something miraculous so that we can continue moving forward and recovering from the trauma from last Summer. None of us will every be the same but I want us all to come out the other side better people than we were before.
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