Time for a Change

 Life is full of changes.  Since my last post I have moved out of my home state.  I am divorced and have full custody of my daughter.  I have found a great man who loves me for who I am.  

Where I'm living now is MUCH colder than where I was from.  I worked remote though so it wasn't too bad.  

Yesterday, I was laid off of my remote Project Coordinator position that I've been working at for almost 3 years.  At first, I loved my job and the people I worked for.  But then I moved teams and although I LOVED my new boss (she was so great), my boss's boss and I didn't get along.  She told me to lie to customers and not be fully transparent.  I was working way too many hours and didn't have much downtime.  It was bad.  I kept asking for help when none was given.  Finally, she quit.  Things were in chaos when my boss quit about a month later. I freaked out and went to HR (another person that for whatever reason didn't like me) and they did nothing as well so I finally went to a manager higher up.  I got a new manager and things were better.  But the company didn't treat us right.  No bonuses were given because we didn't reach budget but we still made more money that the year before.  

Anyway, yesterday I was laid off.  Honestly, I'm not overly upset about it.  It's time for a change, long past time.  I'm ready for whatever comes next.

I'm Done

 I'm done.  I'm done with so many things right now.  I haven't slept well in weeks.  Getting up super early, waking all night.  Let me back track to a few weeks ago.....

We were awarded a bunch of work for Subway installing pin pads into various locations.  I saw that they have Santa Cruz and thought it would be a great time to mix that in with a little vacation.  I asked Hubby if he wanted to go and he said no but told me I should take Ladybug and go without him.   I was nervous as we haven't left him alone by himself overnight.  We have a roommate but still.  Ultimately I decided to take the chance.  It was the last week of summer vacation so I booked a hotel for Saturday through Wednesday.  Then also decided that we should do San Jose Thursday and Friday. 

Around the same time I was booking our hotels Hubby says that an ex girlfriend invited HIM to go visit her and her husband who also has a Traumatic Brain Injury for a while.  She lives in Iowa.  I asked if I was invited and he said "Don't you have work?"  Well, ok then.  So I booked him a flight out to go see her.  

It just didn't feel right, if you know what I mean.  This man has been running away from me and the kids for YEARS.  Before the accident he ran away to work.  Recently I found out that he also ran away to other women.  Now he has been trying to run away to various places since he came home.  He's intolerant of Ladybug and her personality and can be abrupt and rude to me as well.  Here he was running away from us AGAIN.  I was done fighting for him.  So I booked the flight. 

We left for Santa Cruz, I was nervous but excited.  The Ocean is my safe place.  It calms me down so very much.  I started to think about how many times I've been to the Ocean over the years, these last 23 years.  I rarely went even though it's not that far away.  My husband never took me or even asked me if I wanted to go.  Although we went plenty of places he liked and I didn't care for.  We did plenty of things he liked that I didn't care for.  I realized on that trip that I am DONE.  

I think it was the second night of our trip.  I had connected with an old friend that knew me from High School.  This person was telling me how much they remembered me, more than I remembered at the time.  Details that seem just amazing 24 years later.  Ladybug knew I had connected with an old friend and told me she could tell when they messaged me.  I asked her how.  She said "Because when they message you, you get this smile on your face and it's actually happy."  

She went on to discuss that she wasn't happy at home with her Dad and how he treated me and her (me first).  She didn't understand why I didn't stand up for myself.  The reason is both complicated and simple.  I really don't like confrontation, I hate arguing.  It was easier to just let things go and move on.  But at what cost?  What was I teaching her?  That it was ok to be treated poorly and do nothing??  That's not how I raised her.  

We talked a lot during that vacation/work week.  I told her I really needed to think on whether staying was good for us or if I would choose to leave for both our sake.  We spoke of why I stayed all these years (the other children at first then just the comfort of knowing we had enough money to survive and thrive).  I realized that it wasn't right and wasn't fair to either of us.  It wasn't a good environment at all.  It was toxic.  I made the decision by the third day that I needed to leave him.  

We returned home briefly on Wednesday, mostly to pick up his meds and prepare the rest of the days that I would be gone.  I found out that I had a job an hour and a half away and chose to sleep at my parents house knowing it was MUCH closer to the morning job we had.  He didn't even really look up and talk to either of us.  We happily left after I had a little nap.  

San Jose was much the same, talking things through.  What we wanted, how would he survive, who would take care of him?  I decided that once he returned from Iowa I would tell him.  We went back home on Saturday and I prepared his meds, unpacked myself, repacked for him.  I had had little to no sleep while I had been gone and was so exhausted.  I carpet cleaned the carpets etc and fell asleep on the bed.  He got made because I "promised" that we would be intimate that night.  He knew something was going on but I wouldn't tell him yet.  It wasn't the right time.

The next morning I saw him to the airport, I was even given a gate pass to escort him to the gate.  When it was time for him to leave I didn't give him a kiss.  He made it to Iowa and I was relieved for him to be gone for a while.  He messaged a lot that week.  Asking what was wrong etc. but I didn't want to tell him over messages or phone.  I had booked an appointment with my counselor for the Saturday before his return.  He was aware of the appointment.  After the appointment was over he called and texted me repeatedly.  I was on my way to a job so I finally picked up the phone.  I tried to put him off until the next day when he returned in person but he pushed me too far and I told him over the phone, then went into my job.  

He was shocked even though he was expecting it.  He didn't realize how bad things were, although I tried to tell him.  I spent 23 years putting him before me and I was DONE.  It was time to put myself first.  The older kids have all moved out and have established life on their own.  Ladybug was supportive of my decision even though she's worried about what will happen to him.  

It's been a little more than a week since I told him and things have NOT been easy.  He has tried very hard to get me to go to marriage counseling (again), to give him another chance.  I've told him to put all that effort he's willing to put into our marriage into his kids and finally become a father, the one they deserve.  My (his) son has offered to have him move to Texas so he can care for him.  I think that's the best thing for him.  He refuses to leave the house though for an overnight anywhere.  He keeps trying to make me feel guilty and make me feel like I don't deserve anything from this marriage.  I'm so desperate to get out of here that I don't want anything.  I really just want to be left alone.  

I assume this will be a hard divorce, instead of one where we can try to agree on terms and move on.  I assume I will have to go to court for the custody of MY daughter, the one he's ignored for years but suddenly seems to want to be part of her life now.  He wants the car (the only one I have).  He wants the bed (although he sleeps on the couch).  He's being selfish still, always maybe.  He keeps circling this back to how it impacts him, instead of how staying impacts Ladybug and myself.  

I'm done, done with his crap, done with the depression, done with the guilt and the sadness.  It's scary to me to start over, by myself with little to nothing but so very much worth it.  I have to make some decisions now on where we will live and how we will survive.  But I'm done putting him before me and I'm both done and starting all over.  A new beginning is just what I need.  I'm ready.

The New Normal.... Working Together

It's been a really long two days.  Not necessarily bad per-say but LONG.  A while back Hubby and I were contacted to provide a quote for running cable from a new part of a warehouse (offices) to their server room. We took a look at things and provided a quote.  Basically stating that it would take two techs (Ladybug and myself) 16 hours over two days (at least two days).  

I really didn't think it would be that hard really.  I've ran cable before and I thought for sure I could do this with no problems.  That's where I went wrong.  

Anyway we started yesterday, all three of us (Hubby, Ladybug and myself) going to site.  We got a late start and then when we finally were on the way the road we needed to take was blocked off by PG&E so we had to find another way around.  We finally got to site.  We had stopped at Starbucks to keep us caffeinated before starting and pretty much right as we got there and were getting set up Hubby had to GO.  Since his incident when he has to go it's right now.  So with him walking with his walker and me leading the way we make it to the restroom.  But he didn't make it.  We ended up having to throw those undies out, it was a lost cause.  

We proceeded with the job.  We were in the lobby area and were starting at the farthest cable run, here is where we hit a snag.  Basically it's all cement walls with this newer addition added in by putting up sheet rock over the concrete walls.  After much trying we finally figured that we needed to drop something heavy down the hole I created in the ceiling area and then pull the cable through there, up the small sheet rocked wall to the ceiling, then through a hole that was drilled through the wall.  However, the hole was too small.  So I tried to drill a bigger hole.... this did NOT work with my drill.  So Ladybug and I ran to Home Depot to get a bigger/better drill big.  When we returned we found out that the bit didn't fit into MY drill but I had Hubby's bigger drill in the car and it did fit into that.  So up on the ladder I go and drill drill drill until the battery dies.  So at this point the idea was to go ahead and charge the battery at home that night and finish that part in the morning.  

We ran 4 other cables from the other offices (on the other side of the cement wall) to the server room, through double drop ceiling tiles and double insulation (very very heavy).  I FINALLY get the four cables to the server room and then we took a lunch break.  When I returned from lunch I asked Hubby what was next, he stated punching down the cables in the offices then terminating them to the switch.  So I did this, I returned to terminate at the switch and then realized I didn't pull a service loop (extra cable just in case it's needed), I needed extra cable but I had already cut and punched down so that was a lost cause.  I punched down 3 of the 4 cables to the switch while standing on a ladder (so hard) and they tested good.  I couldn't punch down the last cable because it was too short.  

I called it a day at this point (a good stopping point) and we all went home.  Hubby changed his clothes then went into his office to do whatever it is he does in there.  Ladybug and I took showers, then I ended up falling asleep on the couch really early.  Then Ladybug made up some dinner (Hello Fresh meal) and I went to bed at 8:00PM.  

NOW, Today OMG today.  I talked with Hubby about taking an Imodium before leaving.  He said he wouldn't have Starbucks again and that it shouldn't be an issue.  As soon as we got there again he had to go, and again he didn't make it.  Another day without undies.  Sigh.  

I started out the day troubleshooting their timeclock which had stopped working the day before.  After fixing that I started with the wall... AGAIN!!!!  The drill battery died again.  So home I go looking for more batteries... none could be found.  At this point Hubby tells me that we should get a hammer drill, so I do, bring it back and try again.  I feel like I get a bit of it done but every 15-45 seconds the freaking bit falls out.  I was SO annoyed.  Hubby asked if he was needed as he was just sitting around, so I took him home and went back to Home Depot to see about getting a better bit.  When I get there the guy helping me asks if it's just for one job and as it is, tells me to go to rental and tell them what I need to do and rent a really good one for the day.  So I do that.  OMG I got this HUGE drill with a 12-18 inch bit.  

WE took that back (Ladybug and I) and had ordered pizza for lunch.  After lunch we started again.  I spent at least 3 hours this afternoon drilling that hole (off and on as it weighed about 50 lbs).  I was drilling into this hole on a 8 foot ladder while holding this drill above my shoulders at head height.  I thought that if I were higher that I could support the drill a bit better.  So up one more step, I turn it on and it hits a rock and the drill handle moves to the side and hits me in the jaw.  Sweet Mother of God, didn't hurt that much at the time, hopefully it won't hurt too much tomorrow.  I put an ice bottle on it as much as possible.  I went back and kept drilling for 3 hours.  I stopped, my arm wasn't able to keep lifting it up like that.  I got out my measuring tape and and measured the depth of the hole.... 3.25 inches... that's it, that's all, all that time and effort for 3.25 inches.  

I went inside and talked with the manager.  I asked him to come back so he can see what's going on.  We determined that we could no longer keep trying to drill that hole.  It was taking too much time.  We discussed other options that I would bring back to Hubby to determine which was the best route to go.  

Then we went into the warehouse and he explained where he wanted the paging horns.  At this point as we are talking I notice a pretty decently sized hole in the area behind the lobby going into the warehouse and then another hole on the other side of the concrete wall.  OMG after all that and there is another way around it!!!!  ARGH!!!!!!!!

At least we can laugh about it.  Ladybug and I had a great time making fun of our situation.  And honestly with that, it makes this all worth it.  These are memories in the making.  

There are some good days....

It really bothers me being around people who are primarily negative.  I went through a long period in my life when I was younger being very negative thinking I was realistic.  I look back now and realize it was negativity.  I wonder how people could have wanted to spend time with me. 

You see, when I was about Ladybug's age (12) and a tad older I lived at home with both my parents and my older brother (by two years).  Mom and Dad both worked full time outside the house my entire life.  They both were very hard workers who rarely took time off without a darn good reason.  My Dad has always suffered depression and is bipolar.  It was.... interesting growing up with him.  Not bad necessarily but interesting.  I think most people could say that as no two people are alike.  Anyway Dad had his issues and dealt with that by working, a lot, and working overtime, a lot.  So he was a workaholic.  Mom worked standard hours and we saw her MUCH more.  When I became the negative age I felt unwanted.  Looking back now I see that my Dad was struggling with his own issues.  He didn't hate me or want to get rid of me, he was just struggling.  My Mom who often took on the issues of the household solely onto her shoulders was tired and wanted downtime at the end of the day (after making us dinner) and the weekends.  We didn't go out and do things together.  I remember asking just to go to the park for a picnic and we never did (as I was a teenager at the time).  It really disappointed me.

I spent a LOT of time with my paternal grandmother when I was a teen.  We ended up being VERY close.  It's her and her want and need to spend time with me that surprises me.  Why would she WANT to spend time with me, being as negative as I was??  I can handle some from Ladybug but sometimes it gets overwhelming.  I struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, major sleep issues and some depression at this time as well.  There are some days that I get overwhelmed but I still have to push to do things that I would prefer NOT to do.

Yesterday Hubby and I went on a couple of jobs about 90 minutes away and close to where his Mother, Sister and Aunt live.  So after job #1 didn't go and job #2 was pretty quick we went over there for pizza, cake and company.  While there we requested job #3 which was on the way home.  OMG job #3 took FOREVER.  I put swapped the new switch with an old switch that ended up being the WRONG switch and had to install the old switch again then had to install the new switch where it was supposed to go and this all took place inside of a McDonald's that was inside of a Walmart.  I've been doing Hubby's work for sometime now (since he can't do it physically anymore) and there are some majorly dirty messy jobs.  I'm getting used to the ceiling in my hair and dirt and dust and who knows what else but THIS?!?!?!  This was greasy dirt that was not easily removed.  Finally after 3 hours we were done and on the way home.

Ladybug who had been home this whole time (12 hours on her own) was anxious and wanted to go out etc.  She stayed home because the other day one of the Chinchilla's had babies and she needed to keep an eye on them. Anyway, I get home, covered in greasy dirt, get Hubby his sandwich from earlier get him set up in the livingroom and then leave again w/ Ladybug to go BACK to Walmart to pick up some stuff.  I think we got home an hour later.  SO tired.  So got Hubby his meds and we took a shower and went to bed around midnight.  Unfortunately for me I ran out of the medication that helps me not have horrible nightmares.  So I did not sleep well at all and was so tired this morning.

Today I was able to take a 3 hour nap though on the couch and then had to take another trip to run errands and I am hoping that tomorrow I can just veg all day.  I'm about to go make Hubby some spaghetti and call it a day.  Game of Thrones is on tonight and he likes that show.  Hopefully I will be able to get more sleep.

I guess this Blog post is mostly about that not everyday is horrible like I may make it seem like in previous posts.  Things do go well.  Some days I am very happy and others I get very overwhelmed.  And that's ok either way.  I'm hoping I'm able to take a little time off this week to get things in order before insurance runs out. 

So all in all today, was a good day.  I wasn't pressured to go out and do things I didn't want to do.  I seriously love Hubby and Ladybug.  I'm super happy with my kitties, especially Pumperdoodle (real name) because he loves me a lot.  Just today he jumped up into my arms while I was standing, from the floor.  It shocked me.  But will he come to me while I'm sitting on the couch to let me pet him... no.  The baby chinchilla kits are doing well.  Mama is too.  So far everything seems to be going really well.

There are some good days... and today was one of them.

And so... It continues

Hubby is still on the rampage for wanting to do all these jobs to earn money.  I get it, we need money.  I seriously do.  However, now I don't have any time to do other things that I NEED to do.  I'm so exhausted from doing everything that he wants me to do work wise that I have little time to check up on the info I need for his disability, to make and keep doctor appointments for Hubby and Ladybug.  I just can't even process all that I need to do and the time I need on the computer to do it.

SO, yesterday one of our new Chinchilla's gave birth to two new baby Chinchilla's, a boy and a girl.  I asked him to PLEASE have no work yesterday OR today.  I wanted to be around for a while to make sure the babies would be ok.  He kept asking all day long for jobs here and there and everywhere.  I'm like NO, if we have to do work soon it has to be LOCAL.  I asked him several times for nothing for today.  Anyway, I didn't sleep well at all last night so I had to go back to bed this morning after he got up.  So I'm napping or whatever and he comes in and wakes me up because he accepted a job today today in Sacramento.  I had a video conference for Ladybug's homeschool today at 2:30 pm and I reminded him of that and he's like "It's easy work and it's local, the window is from now until 4pm."  I feel like I'm never heard.

So I wake up Ladybug and get her to do some school work.  THEN we have the conference call.  THEN I'm trying to haul butt to the job in downtown Sac, on a Friday.  We get there and things go well, we get stuck in traffic on the way home.  He's asking me how he will be able to walk better (we haven't been walking like we used to), I told him that he's been practicing all over the house lately and he needs to see the progress he has made not just with walking but bending down etc.  So then he asks about riding a bike.  OMG.  So I told him it's hard for him to be able to do that because I'm trying to balance him and run along side of him.  So I mentioned training wheels.  I was surprised that he's open to that idea.  However, he never gives me time to research this stuff either. 

I keep feeling pulled.  It doesn't matter how many times I say NO, No more work, he applies for it and it's like I have no choice.  I don't want to work every single day when I'm getting paid right now through my old job AND I'm going to finish applying for Unemployment once I get all that info from my job. I'm doing the BEST I can and it never feels good enough.  Not by him who is always pushing me and not by Ladybug who is constantly pushing me from her end too.  Add in all the other things that I need to do and I'm wanting to scream right now.  No one cares though.  No one realizes that I need a break too.  That I need to relax and I need to veg and I need to enjoy life sometimes. 

Just Tired

I'm honestly, just tired of everything.  I'm tired of life right now.  I keep trying to see the positive and then I get knocked down repeatedly.  We all do.  We are all three is this situation that no one would want to be in.  YES I know it could be worse.  People DO have it worse than we do I know this.  But enough is enough.

I have been on disability for stress and anxiety since September of last year.  Hubby came home around the same time.  We got into a routine of PT, OT, and Speech Therapies.  Ladybug going to school etc.  You would think the worst was over but things just keep happening.  We all went into a depression and Ladybug and myself had MAJOR PTSD and Anxiety.  It was hard to stay motivated.  Christmas was HARD.  I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to give Ladybug a good Christmas.  It went ok though.  Then the new year came, all our savings ... gone.  We have a roommate and her daughter living with us now and it's not completely bad but not always good.  Also at the new year our insurance started over (deductibles back to 0) and we would have had to pay $450 out of pocket for continued therapy.  We can't afford that.  But since we had been doing this for so long we knew enough to continue on our own.

Anyway over time his walking improved quite a bit.  He's walking mostly with his walker and we will move up to walking by himself once I think he's ready AND the weather gets nice.  However, he won't practice talking and has even started speaking less to me and Ladybug.  He chats with people online (women mostly) but he won't talk to us.  It's getting worse and then he says he CAN'T talk and I'm like you don't even try, you need to practice (but don't say that to him directly).  I really try to be patient with him even though I feel like he's pulling away, that we are pulling away.  It's hard to feel connected when you never speak to one another. 

Then we keep trying to qualify him for disability.  He didn't qualify before because A. He was self employed and B. I made too much on disability.  It's insane... So we went back today to try to apply again.  The wait was going to be 2 hours so we made a phone interview for later this month.  That pissed Hubby off and he walked off outside. 

I know I'm all over the place... but last Monday was my first (reluctant) day back to work in 7 months.  I was very nervous but ultimately I made it and both Hubby and Ladybug also made it.  I think it was good for all of us for me to be out of the house for a while.  So I went back Tuesday.  I struggled with a migraine and nausea that whole day.  The lights WAY too bright.  Wednesday I called in sick with that migraine.  When I returned on Thursday... well I was called into the bosses office with the District Manager as well and was laid off.  At first I was elated.  I didn't want to go back to work, really.  Here I am two days later and I'm not sure.  Hubby is worried about money (all the time).  I paid the bills and feel like we are struggling again with money.  ARGH!!!!!! 

The Attorney we are trying to hire for his medical malpractice case seems to be taking forever to make a decision.  They just NOW got the doctors telephonic notes for him and their expert is on vacation until next week.  Hopefully we will get good news.  I know it will take time for any money to come of that but still, forward movement will be better than nothing.  Hubby is having real anxiety over this.  He's so mad at the doctor that he only thinks of that all day long.

Today Hubby decided he wanted to go to the movies by himself.  SO, I bought him a ticket, bought him popcorn and a drink, took him inside the theater to his seat then had to go.  I had a phone interview minutes after I had him settled.  I had another appointment when that movie would have been out so he saw two movies.  At 5pm he messaged me that he needed to be picked up.  When I got there I sent Ladybug in to get him.  She came running out saying he was shaking.  I went in to him and he was crying.  I guess he had fallen down.  Someone helped him up.  But to have this happen when less than a year ago he was walking and able to do all sorts of things by himself.  Now he can hardly even go to the movies by himself.  I put him to bed when we got home because he was shaking pretty badly.  I hope tomorrow he will feel (emotionally) better.  Physically he said he was fine.  I just want him to catch a big break. 

So honestly, yes I am just tired of all this stuff happening.  I'm tired of depression and anxiety.  I'm tired of not sleeping well.  I'm tired of not being able to do the things we used to be able to do.  I just feel that we all could use a break.  Lord, I pray that you will see fit to help us soon, to do something miraculous so that we can continue moving forward and recovering from the trauma from last Summer.  None of us will every be the same but I want us all to come out the other side better people than we were before. 

So Excited!!

I sold another one of my Lazy Susan's yesterday!!!!!  So very exciting.  I sold it to the Chaplin I met while Hubby was in the ICU.  So 2.5 months later I deliver the goods LOL.  She's understanding of what was going on.  I put the money back into the business, I gave money to my Dad to make me more rounds both 12 inch and 15 inch rounds.  Then Ladybug and I will be making up a bunch to put on Etsy and also to sell at an upcoming Craft Fair held locally in November!!!  I'm too excited for this all to come together.  I designed and ordered business cards, a stamp (for the back of the Lazy Susan's) and postcards (for Thank You notes if I ship stuff out).  

There is so much potential.  I also heard from a FB friend of Hubby's about a PT work from home opportunity and I applied for that today as well.  I would work up to 4 hours per day at the new place and maybe even be able to do some of it while I'm at the FT job.  All I need is a phone or computer.  

Yesterday I rushed home after work and finalized all the stuff on the Lazy Susan, then rushed to Hubby's rehab facility where I was going to meet the Chaplin.  I was so excited.  Anyway, I forgot that Hubby had Speech Therapy at 2pm so I was in the dining room waiting for my Chaplin friend and they were holding a Brain Injury Support Group in there.  I was listening in, I honestly wanted to attend but not without Hubby.  There was a woman there who I think her nephew is in the room next to Hubby.  Anyway, he wakes up every single night every two hours and they have to wake up with him and tell him that this is your room and this is your bed.  He doesn't remember every single time he wakes up.  He has like no short term memory.  He keeps asking her why she's there with him and shouldn't she be at work, when she's been retired for 8 years or more.  It's so sad.  I'm blessed that Hubby didn't turn out this way.  I think he has some short term memory issues but it's getting better and better I think.  

Yesterday while I was at work Hubby shared with me two videos.  One was of him walking down the hall unassisted (no walker) and the other was of him standing up tall and putting each foot onto a step without holding on to anything (not easy for him, his balance has been off).  I cried when I saw those videos.  I know he's working so very hard.  

I need to get into the garage very soon (Sheesh I need to write a list) and find how what kind of cable we have in there to sell those boxes of cable and get some money coming in from that.  That will at least help. Hubby also mentioned some instruments that he has somewhere in the house or the garage that we can sell too.  I need to do that THIS weekend.  I don't want to forget.  At least then I have accomplished something.  Although with the craft fair and selling the Lazy Susan I think I have accomplished a lot. 

I feel to light today and like life is full of potential and opportunity.  I hope this feeling lasts a while.